So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
