i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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