i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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