Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You may now shotgun with the bride
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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