A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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