she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
