just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
