I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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