he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
This is the high leading the old right now
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
