I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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