All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
this hospital has no fireball
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
