Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Randomize
