Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
