my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
