Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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