bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
