So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
