I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
So many bounce houses so little time
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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