Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
