The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize