Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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