is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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