I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
