She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize