just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
