found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
