god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
