I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
