Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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