i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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