wakey wakey hands off snakey
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
