Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize