The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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