ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
