At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
