Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize