How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
