Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
