is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
