then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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