Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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