ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
