well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
