i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
