I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize