dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I wear drunk well.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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