Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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