last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
