Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
