I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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