I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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