He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
