I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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