Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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