Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
