i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I need to calm my uterus...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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