Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
